In an attempt to recognize the importance of the roles of both parents in a divorce, courts and counselors are changing the terminology of ‘visitation’ to the words ‘parenting time’ to describe the hours, days, and weeks children spend with the non-custodial parent after a divorce. Nevertheless, no matter what terminology is used, the hurt most parents feel remains the same. The custodial parent, who before the divorce rarely if ever had to spend time away from the children unless by choice, now regularly faces nights and days without them. The non-custodial parent often feels terribly short-changed, now seeing his or her children only on weekends and vacations. Compounding these disappointments and heartaches, the parents are often still angry and resentful towards each other, and the visitation or parenting time can provide a fresh burst of ammunition in any ongoing battles.
Both parents should realize that the children are the ones most often caught in the cross-fire, and that their hurts may be the deepest and most long-lasting. After all, many parents move on to find new partners after divorce, and consign the old partner to buried memories and regret, but for all of us, our biological parents are ours for life. Permitting and encouraging our children in their positive bonds with both parents is an important part of the job of good parenting. Parenting time, seen in this light, offers parents an opportunity to demonstrate their deepest love for their children by putting aside their own hurts and resentments and nurturing the full potential of their children’s relationships with each parent.
Unless there is real physical or emotional abuse occurring at a serious or continuing level, children benefit from having a strong relationship with both parents. Ensuring that these relationships are as positive as possible requires the commitment of both parents to each other as parents, although no longer as marriage partners. The following simple actions and words can assure happier, more relaxed parenting time for your children, no matter what each parent is feeling about the other. And paradoxically, these happier times will result in happier children, which may help change parents’ bitter feelings towards each other over time.
1. Respect the other parent’s time.
This attitude of respect covers minor actions ranging from picking up and dropping off children on time, to not interfering with the other parent’s time with the children. Do not schedule activities for the children during the other parent’s time, or make excessively long phone calls to the children (longer than half an hour three times a week begins to be excessive). Politely request the same level of respect when the children are with you.
2. Use encouraging, and positive words about the time with the other parent.
Using language cues to set the tone of upcoming time with the other parent offers a far more powerful tool for good, or bad, influence with children than most people realize. Even nonverbal cues that many adults would regard as insignificant or as an action that evaporates instantly can have a powerful impact on children. As subordinate, less powerful beings in both parents’ households, children are extraordinarily sensitive to all messages they receive from their parents, taking all communication as information about how to survive and get what they need in either location. If one parent rolls his or her eyes when the other parent calls, he or she is exhibiting incredibly disrespectful behavior toward the other parent, and is sending a powerful negative message to the children. Instead, try a cheerful, “It’s your dad (or mom) on the phone,” while handing the phone to your child. When the child gets off the phone and announces, “We are going to grandma’s for the weekend (your former mother-in-law’s),” imagine the difference your tone of voice can make when you say, “I’m sure you will have a great time. I know she loves to see you.” If these words are said sarcastically, because you feel negatively towards this person who perhaps hurt you, you set your child up for disappointment with his or her biological parent and grandparent. If you say these words with an upbeat, light-hearted tone of voice, you help your child to have a positive attitude. More important, you release your child from having to worry about you, so that he or she can enjoy the time with other relatives freely. If you feel especially sad or resentful, it can be helpful to write down and practice in front of a mirror some positive stock phrases such as, “That sounds fun,” “I know he (or she) will be glad to see you,” and “Wow!”
3. Do not use the child as a spy.
After losing an intimate relationship, no matter how miserable it may have been, people are often sorely tempted to try to find out what their previous partner is doing and what is happening in any new relationships. If you do succumb to this temptation, which probably will not help you in any way, at least make sure to leave the children out of it. It is actually frightening to children to be used in this way. “Mom wants to find out about Dad, and Dad wants to find out about Mom,” confided one little boy in a worried voice. Asking questions about the other parent on the phone, or after their return, only puts children on their guard, and may actually inhibit them from sharing feelings in ways that would help them in their continuous adjustment to both homes. If you have any real concerns over your child’s safety in the other home, bring them up with your child’s physician. A physician’s objectivity will permit him or her to differentiate between reactivity and real issues.
Using these three guidelines requires simple acts of courage and caring for your children. At another, deeper level, these actions help you to achieve compassion for your ex-spouse, even if you may not feel it at first. This compassion remains the single most important feeling and guide to action that you can model for your children. They recognize, whether the adults do or not, that both parents belong to them.
To learn more, see the following FamilyIQ courses: 
Divorce: Parent Education and Family Stabilization, Divorce: Co-Parent Communication, Divorce: The Initial Hurdles, Surviving Divorce
Author Catherine Knott, Ph.D., teaches Anthropology and Sociology for the University of Alaska on the Kenai Peninsula. She has a Ph.D. in Anthropology, Natural Resources, and Education from Cornell University and a B.A. from Yale University. Catherine has worked in International Development overseas and in the United States for many years. She and her three children enjoy the wilderness, as well as gardening, art, and writing, from their rural home in Alaska.
